The Journey Begins

I have anxiety.  For 6 years I kept it in check.  Not always great check but I found ways of coping.  I went 6 years without a panic attack.  A crushing feeling that made me think I was dying.  I think this latest round of anxiety began 3-4 months back.  It was a slow creep up.  No panic attacks.  No feeling like my heart was beating 200 beats a minute.  Just things like irregular sleep and eating.  I was stressed like so many of us about money.  Stressed about life in general.  But I made myself busy.  Volunteered at a yoga studio.  Made my jewelry.  Never missed a beat.  But I was anxious.  Never slept well.  I was meditating 2-3 hours a day somedays and I believe that’s what kept the full on anxiety from rearing it’s ugly head.  I told myself I was happy and, for the past month I was, but anxiety was creeping.  Sleep became less and less.  I wasn’t depressed – I was hyped up.  That was the term I discovered today – hyped.  I couldn’t sit still.  I didn’t want to sleep.  I wanted to work.  I wanted to keep busy.  No one would have noticed a problem.  I didn’t.  I thought I was doing it all.  I had everything I wanted and then BANG – one too many sleepless nights.  I was awake and hyper – I  worked and worked and worked and then became exhausted and instead of letting myself be exhausted I got hyper.  More hyper then before.  My brain wouldn’t stop.  I contemplated working 91 hours that week!  It was as if all the anxiety that had built up came through me in one moment.  And I pretended I was fine.  Said I was great but I wasn’t.

My anxiety won that day.

I said I just needed sleep.  4 hours was all I could get.  Was up and hyped again.  Drove 3 hours.  Went shopping.  Even decided to go get a massage thinking that would calm me down.  I wanted to jump off the table.  I needed to keep moving.  When I left the spa I got in my car.  I tried to cry but made a call instead.  “Hello, can I please see the doctor for anxiety”.  I said it out loud.  It had caught up to me.  I wasn’t fine.  I couldn’t pretend everything was great anymore.  I went home.  Talked for hours to some good friends.  When I woke up I couldn’t get to the doctor fast enough.  I didn’t care about calls or emails or texts I had.  I got there 40 minutes early.  Walked in the park.  Paced her office as I couldn’t sit still and my phone was dead.  When I went in the doctor said you are hyped.  She saw the anxiety no one else could.  I had been down this road after my kids with postpartum and fought medication.  8 years ago I fought medication.  Today I welcomed it.  Today I realized I needed to treat my medical condition.  That’s what this is.  If I had bronchitis I would take antibiotics.  I have anxiety that I can not control at this moment.  If someone had an arrhythmia they would need to take medication to get it under control.  I started my medication today.  I also found friends to talk to.  And talk we did.  Over 4 hours of calls.

I’m not going to be on medication forever.  I’m on such a low dose I have to get it at a compounding pharmacy because I just need to reset – lower then the lowest dose they normally start people at.  I reset 6 years ago and need to reset again.  But what I ask of you is to first follow my journey as I will be writing about it.  I’m not going to shy away from this.  And, 2nd but most important, if you know someone who is suffering help them.  Someone tried to tell me but that doesn’t get them help.  Tell them how they have changed.  Explain, in a non-confrontational manner what you notice.  Let them yell at you if needed. Let them tell you that you are wrong.  But keep telling them what you see.  Gently.  They aren’t going to take it well but if they know you are there for them eventually they will get help.  Support is all we need.  Mental illness is the hardest illness to talk about but it destroys lives, friendships, careers because people don’t get help for fear of the stigma.  I thought I was weak to admit I needed help.  I now realize the help will make me stronger then I was before.  It will repair what is broken.  I have anxiety but anxiety doesn’t have me.