Yesterday I counted as the best day I have had in a week.  I was alert, I cleaned, I felt good.  I felt human again.  I had stopped one of my morning pills that was making me super drowsy and I think that helped but my head felt clearer all day.

I watched some TV but in the most part just cleaned and meditated.  No distractions.  It was a nice day.  And, I ate.  I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but my appetite had been gone for so long.  I ate KD – which is weird as I don’t really do dairy and I don’t really do gluten.  It tasted awful but I ate!

Today I woke up way too early.  I’m not sure why but again, had energy.  Got all my garbage out.  Put in a load of laundry.  Even went for a walk to the local market.  Best part is I picked up some work.  I loved every second of it.  I felt like I had a purpose again.   I kept saying “I can do this”, “I will overcome this”.

Then the anxiety hit.  It’s like a brick that crashes into my chest.  Tears came rolling down.  It’s not gone.  There are good days and bad days.  I am going to light some candles, some sage and meditate.  Work is over for the day.  My therapist says that is part of my problem.  I work too much.  Always looking for another way to make money.  Always taking on more then I can handle.  But my anxiety causes me to worry when the next paycheque will come.  Will I have enough.  What more can I do.  There stems my anxiety.  But I will overcome.  It isn’t forever.  I just know that there will be good days and bad days.

I’ve been a good little trooper.   I’ve taken my medication as prescribed.  Haven’t missed a dose.  Know the side effects and am keeping my hopes up…but… this medication has me in the haziest fog.  I can’t eat.  I can only sleep.  I know I needed sleep but the exhaustion I have is not good.  My brain is thinking and can comprehend.  I went out yesterday to the movies.  Enjoyed it but I know this medication is just messing with me.  I’m not against medication but I don’t feel this is the right one for me.  I can type this without problem but if I lie down I’m instantly sleeping.  I have zero appetite.

I am on a combination of 2 medications.  The first one acted immediately and I felt normal.  Could function with zero anxiety.  3 days later I added the second and I think that is the issue.  The problem compounds itself as the first is meant for short term (couple of weeks) and the second long term.  I will call the doctor today and ask to be seen again.  I have spent my days, while not sleeping, speaking with friends.  CBD Oil keeps coming up in the conversation.  I think I want to try this route.  It cannot be worse then before medication nor as bad as I feel now.  If anyone has tried CBD Oil please let me know how it works.  I am always looking for alternatives.  I need to get my brain under control but am not willing to sleep 18 hours and not eat more then half a meal a day.

I have anxiety.  For 6 years I kept it in check.  Not always great check but I found ways of coping.  I went 6 years without a panic attack.  A crushing feeling that made me think I was dying.  I think this latest round of anxiety began 3-4 months back.  It was a slow creep up.  No panic attacks.  No feeling like my heart was beating 200 beats a minute.  Just things like irregular sleep and eating.  I was stressed like so many of us about money.  Stressed about life in general.  But I made myself busy.  Volunteered at a yoga studio.  Made my jewelry.  Never missed a beat.  But I was anxious.  Never slept well.  I was meditating 2-3 hours a day somedays and I believe that’s what kept the full on anxiety from rearing it’s ugly head.  I told myself I was happy and, for the past month I was, but anxiety was creeping.  Sleep became less and less.  I wasn’t depressed – I was hyped up.  That was the term I discovered today – hyped.  I couldn’t sit still.  I didn’t want to sleep.  I wanted to work.  I wanted to keep busy.  No one would have noticed a problem.  I didn’t.  I thought I was doing it all.  I had everything I wanted and then BANG – one too many sleepless nights.  I was awake and hyper – I  worked and worked and worked and then became exhausted and instead of letting myself be exhausted I got hyper.  More hyper then before.  My brain wouldn’t stop.  I contemplated working 91 hours that week!  It was as if all the anxiety that had built up came through me in one moment.  And I pretended I was fine.  Said I was great but I wasn’t.

My anxiety won that day.

I said I just needed sleep.  4 hours was all I could get.  Was up and hyped again.  Drove 3 hours.  Went shopping.  Even decided to go get a massage thinking that would calm me down.  I wanted to jump off the table.  I needed to keep moving.  When I left the spa I got in my car.  I tried to cry but made a call instead.  “Hello, can I please see the doctor for anxiety”.  I said it out loud.  It had caught up to me.  I wasn’t fine.  I couldn’t pretend everything was great anymore.  I went home.  Talked for hours to some good friends.  When I woke up I couldn’t get to the doctor fast enough.  I didn’t care about calls or emails or texts I had.  I got there 40 minutes early.  Walked in the park.  Paced her office as I couldn’t sit still and my phone was dead.  When I went in the doctor said you are hyped.  She saw the anxiety no one else could.  I had been down this road after my kids with postpartum and fought medication.  8 years ago I fought medication.  Today I welcomed it.  Today I realized I needed to treat my medical condition.  That’s what this is.  If I had bronchitis I would take antibiotics.  I have anxiety that I can not control at this moment.  If someone had an arrhythmia they would need to take medication to get it under control.  I started my medication today.  I also found friends to talk to.  And talk we did.  Over 4 hours of calls.

I’m not going to be on medication forever.  I’m on such a low dose I have to get it at a compounding pharmacy because I just need to reset – lower then the lowest dose they normally start people at.  I reset 6 years ago and need to reset again.  But what I ask of you is to first follow my journey as I will be writing about it.  I’m not going to shy away from this.  And, 2nd but most important, if you know someone who is suffering help them.  Someone tried to tell me but that doesn’t get them help.  Tell them how they have changed.  Explain, in a non-confrontational manner what you notice.  Let them yell at you if needed. Let them tell you that you are wrong.  But keep telling them what you see.  Gently.  They aren’t going to take it well but if they know you are there for them eventually they will get help.  Support is all we need.  Mental illness is the hardest illness to talk about but it destroys lives, friendships, careers because people don’t get help for fear of the stigma.  I thought I was weak to admit I needed help.  I now realize the help will make me stronger then I was before.  It will repair what is broken.  I have anxiety but anxiety doesn’t have me.